I read in a book that it’s good to type without really thinking about what you’re writing, so that’s what I’m doing. I’m staring out at my forest, sitting in my treehouse, and writing my soul…my feelings. Of course, I’ll edit my spelling and grammar later! I am so incredibly filled with so incredibly many emotions that I am about to burst. Seriously. Burst. I am overcome with gratitude that as my journey thru cancer comes to an end, at least this phase of radiation, that I am truly a survivor. That I am as strong as ever in every way. That my mind is clear, that my body is strong, that my wounds are healing, that the cancer – stupid effing cancer – is gone from my body…never ever ever to return. I know I know – I don’t really know that for sure, but I will say it til the end of time so that it becomes the truth.

I am also filled with questions. Questions about what this all means and what I’m supposed to do with it. I have to do something with it. It can’t just be for the sake of being. What’s my purpose. What’s my plan. How do I create a life that transcends the mundane realities and expands into new growth. Do I have something to share? With whom? How?

I am feeling melancholy. This has been my life since October 2014. Now I go back to the way things were. Or do I? Will they ever be the same? I think not. As much as I don’t want the identity of “cancer patient”, it has become such a part of my day to day routine with all the medical appointments, chemos, radiation daily, check ups, clinical trials, and more. Now what? Who am I? I’m just me again. Yet I feel that I’m a whole new me. I see every shimmer of every leaf in the sunlight…I feel the air touch my lowly little eyelashes in the breeze…I smell the honeysuckle and stop to inhale deeply as I walk by. I actually stop now. I don’t keep walking, assuming it will always be there. I thrive on the moment. The colors in the trees, the colors of the wildflowers in the mountain meadows, the blueness of the sky and the mesmerizing shapes of the puffy wrinkly clouds. I feel the fabric of my clothes rub against my skin – especially in my burn spot on my shoulder. I have a new appreciation for soft fluffy textiles and even more for not wearing anything at all! Makes it tough to work out, but this too shall pass.

Every song on the ITunes radio is sent to me with special meaning – I’m sure of it. The words are showing up for me, telling me something I must hear and learn. Funny – it used to be simply background music, now it’s moved every other sound to the sidelines!

I get a little sad when I think of my family and my loved ones. What they’ve been thru with me on this journey. How scared they might have been. I know how I felt when my dad had a little fender bender and my mother hit the windshield and was bleeding. I thought she was going to die. I was scared beyond words. I wonder if my kids felt that sort of fear or was I able to show them that I knew for sure it was all OK. They held me up thru chemo. They stayed with me when I didn’t feel well. We watched movies and played cards. Together is the best place to be when you’re feeling not so together.

I feel God. I truly truly truly feel the universe and the divine all around me…in everything. So I’ve always believed in this, but now I really feel it. It has absorbed into me. I see spirit in the little birdie that prances in front of me on the sidewalk and who is not the least bit afraid of me, almost as if to say phhhht look at me I can fly away at any second, how about you? I see spirit in the trees, the old growth trees in the forests that I hike, and in the wildflowers that grow bravely thru the crevices in the rocks in the creek. How do they do that? How do you find nourishment in a rock? It’s spirit!

I smile to myself, as I’m walking, driving, showering, working out. I must look half crazy! Funny, nothing really bothers me anymore. My hair is barely a bristle. My boob is missing a scoop. My shoulder is gross and gooey. My eyebrows are still painted brown though my hair is coming in white. My arm pit has stitch marks and is brown polka dotted. And I don’t notice my hair growing back until I find a rather long whisker on my chin and wonder how long it’s been dangling there!

And I don’t care. I only care that spirit has adapted this life of mine and given me this chance to live it in a way that excites me every single day. That this life is truly precious and that it is so very short and that I intend to live and love and feel the moment of every single moment. That when I cry these days, it’s out of joy and not sadness. And that I like to cry! It feels so powerful to be in such an intense moment that I actually feel the desire to cry. A burning desire.

Wow. This lesson really works. I have never looked down at my PC, I have only stared out at the forest and at the silvery bark of my trees gently bending in the whisper of the wind. As if they are waving to me – telling me that they feel my joy and that they will be here now and always. That they have absorbed so very much over time from all of us who have passed this way. That their job is to stand strong and to hold up this planet for those who will follow me. That each year they shed and renew their leaves so that they can be stronger still.

So maybe just maybe, this is my lesson. To write my feelings, my pure unedited feelings, every single day. To share this profound joy and deep gratitude with all who want to know. That maybe just maybe I can make a difference for how someone seizes the day or deals with a trauma or shares with a loved one. Maybe just maybe this new me is the energy of the spirit, living life as a woman survivor. I am energy. I am light. I am free. I am the colors in a rainbow shimmering on a rainfilled sky. I am the nurturing warmth and heartfelt hug on a droopy day.

So maybe just maybe, I am OK with life and spirit and whatever will come to pass. Life will be what it is meant to be so let’s just be Ok with it since it’s so much easier to be this way. Free. Full. Happy. Peaceful.  I know now in my heart that if I am pushed to the edge, that spirit, that the Divine will either teach me how to fly or will catch me.  I’m ready to fly!