Feeling a bit squirrelly tonight.  Waiting.  Patiently waiting for the phone to ring.  I’ve been carrying it in my hand all day — actually not carrying it, but clutching it.  Squeezing it…nearly bending the frame of the Otter case.  Feeling a twitch to hurl it against the building wall.  Checking the volume to make sure I can hear it ring when the doctor calls.  Praying she doesn’t call while I’m on the Max train.  Walking thru Costco toward the grilled chickens (hey — a girls gotta eat, nervous or not!!) No way can I have this conversation at Costco — hurry and get out fast!

At the same time, I’m enjoying these last few droplets of freedom.  I don’t know what I don’t know.  And that’s actually in my favor.  For right now, I don’t know the test results of the “oncyl DX” test, I don’t even know how to pronounce it.  I know what it means though.  It’s the difference between chemo and hormone therapy for me.  So for now — I’m actually working on enjoying this nirvana of unknowingness.  It will all change in a split second — a nanosecond.  And there’s no looking back.  And there’s no wishing back.  And it will never be the same — but then again it never is once you pass through a moment in time, right?  So this is no different.  It simply is the next step into the future at the moment in the present.  Like that?

The rain is doing it’s thing–sprinkling gently but loudly.  It’s pushing my thoughts further away from where they are trying to go.  The window in the bedroom is open so that I can hear the splattering and smell them as they pass through the trees in the forest outside.  Mozart’s Requiem Mass in D is playing.  Lacrimosa at the moment!  My breath catches on the purity of the notes and the voices as they beg to the heavens.  I feel the cries beginning, not for me or for this presentness, but for the beauty of the moment.  How does the universe gift us with such profound perfection?  This music drags at the depth of my soul and makes my chest cave in and the rain takes me lightly to a place of sheer awesome.

This waiting patiently is actually not such a bad thing  Look what I have savored in this moment.  Would I have enjoyed this moment if not for the anxiety of the “wait”?  Probably not.  This moment would have passed just like the last…without my consciousness.  Just another moment.  Instead I have this string of emotions that have captured my attention, lifted my spirit, heightened my senses, alerted me to the texture, frailty, splendor of the present moment.  I am breathing into the now of now and am not thinking about the next thing.  It will unfold as it always does — that you can count on.  So why worry about it?  Why be anxious about it?  Why fear it?  It will happen no matter what!  But in the meantime, this now is spectacular!

(PS – Doctor never called.  Will post tomorrow after my 1st oncology meeting. Hugs…)