The Night Before…

Before the beginning of the end of the life I have known to be healthy, pain free and drug free. The night before the day that my life moves into a different realm that at this point I can only imagine, but can not know for sure. But then again, nothing is for sure anyways! We just like to think it is. I want to know for sure because I want to control it…control the planning of the side effects of chemotherapy; plan to control the day that I will know it’s time to cut off all my hair. I want that date on the calendar! I want to know if my joints will ache when my feet touch the floor in the morning. I want to know if it will be laborious to walk thru My Park Blocks every morning. I want to know exactly how much of my right breast will be scooped out. I want to plan my hikes, my WODs, my nights on the town – but I realize that I can’t. Everything on my calendar is with a question mark; or it’s with a “possible” RSVP; or with a “I’ll make it if I’m feeling good, but won’t know til it gets closer.” I want to know, but I am truly, really, honestly, working on letting go of this wanting to know.

What difference does it really make anyways? It will all be there. No matter what I know – it will all be there exactly like it is meant to be there. All I need to do is to show up. Wait – isn’t that one of the secrets of life that I’ve been working on for all these years? Stop resisting, start accepting, go into the flow of the universe and attract all that you are. So, now it’s the pedal to the metal – putting it all to the test – does this woo-woo stuff really work in reality? I have not a doubt in my mind. It’s what has kept me sane and focused. Day by day. Diagnosis after diagnosis. Treatment plan and then another treatment plan. It is all waiting for me and my job is to show up. And not just in any condition – but fearless, powerful, certain, loving, open, happy, joyful, laughing loudly.

Now and then my mind skips a beat and lands on anxiety. Anticipation. I stop in my tracks and reel it in. I go to a place where I can feel my body quitting the resistance. This is my place. It’s where I am the happiest. It’s how I choose to meander through this lump in my road.

What can I do to control all of this? I can accept that I can do what I set my mind and my body to do. I workout like never before – makes me feel like I am truly in power. I eat the best nutrition on the planet and keep my body “clean”. That’s easy for me as all my friends can attest!  And I can sleep 8 hours a night. Not just sleep, but truly go to a place of floating, peaceful, tranquility. Those who know me, also know that this is easy for me. So tranquil, I awake in the same position in which I nod off! I can do these things and let go of the rest. I can control my thoughts. I can do the do. And most important to me, I can find the joy.

No, I can LOOK for the joy in every single moment. It’s there. I know.