As I make my daily mind-clearing, day-setting stroll thru the Park Blocks in Portland, I feel the gratefulness of having choices. I have the luxury to search for happiness. I don’t have to struggle with sheer survival. I see what the pain of struggle look like in the faces and the screams of the homeless around me. They search for their next meal or their next smoke – I search for what will feed my soul. They talk to themselves and into the air around them. I go back to the Midwest and spend hours and hours unleashing my emotions onto all my BFFs – my soulmates. I surround myself with family, feeling the unconditional love that kindles our unbreakable bond. I only talk to the wind when it serves me because I have choices. The wind is my friend when that’s what I need. For those in the park, the wind is their necessary source of support – if they had a choice what would they choose? The warm hug of a human, the sound of a caring voice whispering love into their ear? I think so. And so, I feel a deep sadness, wondering how they manage their daily journey, so complicated and so alone. I wonder about my journey in this life and how I am able to go beyond this basic struggle.

I am grateful today for the incredible support of my medical & research team. How lucky am I, to have a place to go when my body is challenged with this cancer. How lucky am I to be able to ask questions that will ease my mind. How lucky am I that in this crazy mixed up world, I have an enormous chance for survival. I get to live life fully…not just survive!

My follow up biopsy is complete. Now the wait begins. December 15^th. Washington University in St. Louis is currently analyzing my cells. Those challenged, sickly, weakened cells that have been snipped from my tumor are on their way for a deep analysis. To be picked apart, one by one, to determine what is different than the baseline biopsy 30 days ago. What I know already, is that based on the ultrasound, the tumor is shrinking! The hormones are working to keep testosterone from the tumor. They are blocking the nutrition that was feeding this glob of dis-ease. I am elated – the research coordinator is reserved. “yes, this is good”, Gerald says, not wanting to give me any absolute assurances. But I can see from the little lift in his lip, that he is trying to fight back a smile.

Before I leave, I schedule my next round of hormone injections for December 31. The nurse asks me if I really want to do this since I don’t yet have my test results. I look at her indignantly. “My test results will be a 9 and I want to be sure that I’m on the calendar for the next round!” She quickly accepts my resolve and schedules the appt. The last day of 2014, I will be here at the cancer center. Wrapping my head around this…more later!