I am trying to stay aligned with the Spirit Universe. I really am. But the picture on the cover of the wig catalogue is taking over my thoughts. All I see is a bald woman pretending to look exotic in a Moroccan style scarf, wrapped around her head. I’m really working on this alignment thing. I am in my fourth reading of Dr Wayne Dyer and Esther Hicks’ new book, Co-Creating at its Best. I practice the daily wake-up routine – don’t just jump out of bed to start your day…don’t lie in bed agonizing about what went wrong yesterday or planning all the minutiae of the new day. Instead, lie in bed for 5 minutes and think about nothing…simply get yourself aligned with the Spirit and co-create your day, allowing what will happen to happen.

So when I entered the oncologists office yesterday, I was practicing my alignment. I told Spirit that I was not having chemotherapy and that this tumor would be blasted down thru hormone therapy. I guess that’s not how alignment works! You don’t “TELL” Spirit how it will be. You accept the way it is. So when the doctor said to me that my only option at this point is to begin chemotherapy, I didn’t really hear him. I saw the medical mouth moving up and down and the look of compassion in his eyes, as he tilted his head and looked at me with “I know this is not what you want to hear.” Are you fecking kidding me?! It’s not what I AM hearing! This is one of those sideways, adjacent universe things – it’s happening elsewhere and I’m sitting in this sterile examination room watching it all happening to someone else, somewhere else.   I don’t hear the words, I just hear his comforting tone. He’s done this many times — said these same words, looked into the eyes of frightened angry sad women. Then puts on his jacket, says “have a good evening” to the staff, and goes home to dinner. I wonder if he is aligned with Spirit?

It’s not until he gives me the piece of paper with the treatment course, and I see all the side effects… that’s when that one giant, humongous, heavy, slow tear starts to fall from my eye and roll down my cheek. #1 side effect: hair loss. I will be BALD. Around Day 14. Most women shave it off before then, because they can’t stand the mess. Maybe you’ll do a hair shaving party? My friends have done that. I know about those. I’ve seen pictures…of other women. So, when I go home, after I plan my Christmas Eve party and my family’s Christmas day celebration….maybe I will plan my head shaving party. Who will I invite? Where will I have it? What will I serve…lots of alcohol, for sure! OK – now I am feeling more in alignment. It’s beginning to settle in….NO IT IS NOT! I am screaming inside….just ONE more round of hormone therapy…maybe this time it will work! I’m trying to remember where this nuisance, stupid, annoying yet barely there, lump even came from. When did it show up and WHY? WHY? WHY? Isn’t that we always want to know – the WHY? of everything? Knowing what I truly believe in, I know in my heart that the WHY will present itself. That I don’t really grasp it today – DEFINITELY NOT today! But that I will get it one day. I can almost feel that day upon me – the “getting it” is right around the corner. Already the lessons surround me; the look of life has changed; I hear between the words – I see behind the physical – I feel into my soul. Yes – the WHY is just around the corner. I feel it already.

But for today, I am living in the fear of becoming bald. I laugh at my ridiculousness. I cry at the visual. I think about the smooth, shiny bulb thing that is hidden by my vanity. I’m afraid of what I will feel when I look into the mirror. I must work on this, that is for sure. I need to feel aligned with my baldness! HAHA! That’s my new mantra! Aligned with Baldness! Will I feel vulnerable? Will I judge myself? Will my head be perfectly round or will it have spots and spidery veins? Does this whole thing really come down to a fear of physical appearance? Boy, that is surely a yucky, superficial emotion. But for today – it is my truth.

It’s only 10AM on Christmas Eve. I have given myself until noon today, to wallow a bit in this place I am in. Then I will turn the dial, turn off the pity party, and begin the holiday party. Nothing more to think about until January 6 at 9:30. My first chemotherapy session. I’m free until then – free to forget it all, free to be in the moment enjoying the love of my family, loving this amazing new life in Oregon, breathing in the spirit of all the wise old trees that surround me everywhere I go.

So, at the end of it all, I guess I am in alignment with Spirit. That’s what happens when you stop resisting. I am getting to that place, moment by moment. My resistance wall is beginning to crumble and that’s where I am finding a solace. Peace of mind. Acceptance with what is….and what more there will be for me to discover. To continue to find the joy in every moment…even if in that moment I am bald!

It’s another euphoric morning. They all start out that way as I intentionally walk thru the park blocks amongst my trees. Seems a little more hormonal than usual – is it the injections, I wonder, or is it really me? I look into the eyes of everyone I pass and make them smile. I wonder what they think? I wonder if I have contributed to a bit of cheer for the day? Some seem surprised. Some catch themselves smiling almost as if it’s a muscle spasm – did they mean to smile or could they not control themselves? Best part – as usual, I walked past my Labrador tied outside the Starbucks and he is yelling at his man to hurry up already or to bring him some treats or to take him inside. As I get closer, he stops barking and looks me SMACK in the eyes. Can’t help myself…”good morning, buddy! How you doin’? Chill – he’ll be right out!” and I give him a nod. I walk for blocks and never hear him bark again. But instantly an uncontrollable smile simply takes over my face. That little guy could feel my energy before I even got close to him and he acknowledged me. Way more than the humans did and in such an intentional way!

Think think think….focus on what you want and what you really feel. Then you’ll be aligned with the spirit universe. Thinking about the book I’m reading – Co-creation with Wayne Dyer and Abraham. Can’t get enough. Can’t absorb it fast enough. Changing my world. Rocking my life. Transforming my being. Must be part of my euphoria today. So grateful! Wake up in the moment each and every morning. For 5 minutes, don’t think of anything. Just be in the feeling. Let the universe align with my feelings and my day will be filled with what I want to attract. Work this for 30 days and I’ll live it forever.

Can’t wait – yet another stage of my journey begins….stage after stage after phase after learning after more learning! Could it really get any better? I think not!

As I make my daily mind-clearing, day-setting stroll thru the Park Blocks in Portland, I feel the gratefulness of having choices. I have the luxury to search for happiness. I don’t have to struggle with sheer survival. I see what the pain of struggle look like in the faces and the screams of the homeless around me. They search for their next meal or their next smoke – I search for what will feed my soul. They talk to themselves and into the air around them. I go back to the Midwest and spend hours and hours unleashing my emotions onto all my BFFs – my soulmates. I surround myself with family, feeling the unconditional love that kindles our unbreakable bond. I only talk to the wind when it serves me because I have choices. The wind is my friend when that’s what I need. For those in the park, the wind is their necessary source of support – if they had a choice what would they choose? The warm hug of a human, the sound of a caring voice whispering love into their ear? I think so. And so, I feel a deep sadness, wondering how they manage their daily journey, so complicated and so alone. I wonder about my journey in this life and how I am able to go beyond this basic struggle.

I am grateful today for the incredible support of my medical & research team. How lucky am I, to have a place to go when my body is challenged with this cancer. How lucky am I to be able to ask questions that will ease my mind. How lucky am I that in this crazy mixed up world, I have an enormous chance for survival. I get to live life fully…not just survive!

My follow up biopsy is complete. Now the wait begins. December 15^th. Washington University in St. Louis is currently analyzing my cells. Those challenged, sickly, weakened cells that have been snipped from my tumor are on their way for a deep analysis. To be picked apart, one by one, to determine what is different than the baseline biopsy 30 days ago. What I know already, is that based on the ultrasound, the tumor is shrinking! The hormones are working to keep testosterone from the tumor. They are blocking the nutrition that was feeding this glob of dis-ease. I am elated – the research coordinator is reserved. “yes, this is good”, Gerald says, not wanting to give me any absolute assurances. But I can see from the little lift in his lip, that he is trying to fight back a smile.

Before I leave, I schedule my next round of hormone injections for December 31. The nurse asks me if I really want to do this since I don’t yet have my test results. I look at her indignantly. “My test results will be a 9 and I want to be sure that I’m on the calendar for the next round!” She quickly accepts my resolve and schedules the appt. The last day of 2014, I will be here at the cancer center. Wrapping my head around this…more later!